Comedians say funny stuff.  These tickle me:

                                                                                                              

 

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge.   I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Groucho Marx

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

                        Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

The other day Ino that was someone else.

 Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure

Steven Wright

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."
                      -Woody Allen

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Rita Rudner

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

George Burns (1896 - 1996) 

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable

Fran Lebowitz

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Fran Lebowitz 

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001), The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he, by peddling second-rate technology, who led them into it in the first place.

Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001), The Guardian

Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.

Douglas Adams

I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously.

Douglas Adams

I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
1. Anything that is in the world when you're born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you're fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.

Douglas Adams

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are."
-Milton Berle

"Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."
-Ambrose Bierce

"Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."
-Ambrose Bierce

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Woody Allen

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

Elayne Boosler 

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

H. L. Mencken

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

H. L. Mencken

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

H.L. Mencken